Kill Legolas
by leggy-stinks
Summary: A rhyme about...well...a plan to kill Legolas. Hehe...hope you have fun reading it!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:  Fortunately for me, I do NOT own Legolas.  He belongs to the one and only Tolkien.

A/N:  I thought up this rhyme after I visited the Legolas-torture website of Naheka, otherwise known as The Legolas Assassinator.  I really suggest visiting it, if you are a lego-hater, that is. :) http://naheka.tripod.com/legolasviolentdeath And both this fic and the website are about MOVIE-Legolas with his dumb, long blonde hair, NOT book-legolas!   Also, sorry if it's all out of whack (hehe…obsolete word), but I had trouble getting onto fanfic.  Enjoy! ;)

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                                                                                                Once upon a time 

                                                                                                In a faraway land,

                                                                                                Evil crazies convened

                                                                                                And together they banned.

                                                                                                They met at a council

                                                                                                And together they planned.

                                                                                                They decided then and there

                                                                                                That together they must stand.

                                                                                                Together they did stand

                                                                                                And formed a mighty plan-

                                                                                                The greatest plan

                                                                                                Ever thought up by a Man.

                                                                                                They formed a plan 

                                                                                                To kill off Legolas,

                                                                                                Which was explained in detail

                                                                                                By their headless, dark boss.

                                                                                                One member asked,

                                                                                                "How long will it be 

                                                                                                 'fore we pull off this crime?"

                                                                                                To which the boss replied, 

                                                                                                "Patience, my dearest.  

                                                                                                 All in due time!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

                                                                                           BWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!


	2. Putting The Plan Into Action

**Disclaimer:**  I do not claim to own Legolas or the Mary-Sues (thankfully, too, might I add), nor do I claim to be one of Legolas's rabid fangirlies.  In fact, I rather despise Legolas, which should be evident by this little rhyme. ^_^

With a malicious glint in both of his eyes,

The dark headless boss orders his cronies to arise.

"How is a headless anything able to speak?" you suddenly wonder.

Well, chalk it up to, on the author's part, a mere blunder.

The dark headless boss suddenly lets out a loud screech,

Letting us know that he is impatiently waiting to finish his speech.

"Why are you so mad?" the author implores,

Which the dark headless boss merely ignores,

For he has already begun to speak,

To which the author scoffs,  "You act like you've been waiting for a week."

The dark headless boss just rolls his eyes and continues his speech again.

"I suppose we should be listening to what he says then",

Says the author, letting out a sigh of resignation,

A clear sign of the mounting elevation of her increasing frustration.

"It's time to put our torture-Legolas plan into action

And eagerly await Legolas's reaction."

They lock Leggy up with all the horrid Mary-Sues

And all his little rabid fangirlies, too.

To this, Leggy exclaims in a rather girly voice, "Oh, whatever am I to do?"

Oh, yes.  Whatever will our poor little Leggy do,

Stuck in a cage as he is like an animal in a zoo?

But that is not to be answered in this part of the rhyme.

No, that will not be answered yet, not until next time.

A/N:  Thank you for reading this, and I'd like to thank all who reviewed.  I really appreciate it!  Special thanks to my younger sister who helped me with the "mounting elevation of her increasing frustration" part and other sections, too. ^_^

Angel of music: Brilliant?  Really?  Well, thank you very much! :)

Anonymous:  I rule?  Really?  Well, guess what?  You rule, too, for reading and reviewing!  Yup, you most certainly do! :)

Barrow-wight727:  Well, I'm sure lots of people think of killing Legolas.  I mean, who wouldn't?  Hehe :)  Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! You're the best! :) 

Zep:  Of course you can help kill him.  You can be one of the boss's cronies.  Thanks for the review.  I really appreciate it! :)

Hehe:  Aaawww!  I gave you happiness?  Well, your review gave me happiness!  Yup, it most certainly did. :)

The Legolas Assassinator:  Oh, you better believe he's gonna die!  Hehe :)  Thanks so much for reviewing!  I luv reviews, and I luv you for reviewing! :)

Anonymous2:  Legolas really should die, shouldn't he?  And he most certainly will, in this rhyme, at least.  :)  Thank you for the review.  I really appreciate it! :)

FrodoFan:  I'm really glad you like it! :)  It's too bad you don't want to kill him, though.  Hehe :)  Thankies much for the review! :)

Shadow Warrior:  Oh, you're definitely allowed to like this.  Even if you were a fangirl, you'd still be allowed to like this.  Of course, if you were a rabid fangirl, you probably wouldn't, but I'm just going off on a tangent now.  Mucho thanks for the review! :)

Belthronding:  I liked the last part best, too!  Yay! :)  Thanks a lot for the review! :)

Salysha:  Yeah, her website is really worth it, ain't it?  Thanks so much for reviewing!  You're the best!  I like rhyming…hehe :)

None-O-Yer-Business:  Aaawww!  I'm sorry for causing you to be defensive!  But I take it that means you think it's an awesome poem?  Thanks so much for saying that!  Yes, that's really sweet of you! :)   


	3. Legolas's Death Yay

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Legolas or any other Mary-Sues, nor am I a rabid fangirl.  Legolas belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, and he can keep him for all I care!  Now onto more Legolas torture! :)

The last place we left our little rhyme,

Poor little Leggy was having a rough time.

Stuck in a cage with Mary-Sues and rabid fangirlies, too,

Our poor little Leggy had not a clue what to do.

Finding himself truly stuck in a rut,

Leggy desperately tries to save his own butt.

The dark headless boss and his cronies watch with delight

As Legolas puts up an utterly hopeless fight.

Fear evident in his eyes, Leggy lets out his last, final cry,

As two of the boss's cronies, Zep and Sungirl, shout, "Die, Legolas, die!"

And die he does in true Leggy style.

"Heehee…I'm dying", he says with a smile,

His body falling into a deep compost pile.

Leggy's death comes not a moment too soon

As the bell chimes twelve indicating the time is high noon.

"Come, my cronies", beckons the boss, calling them out to lunch.

"Let's all celebrate his death together by having us a good munch."

"But what about all the Mary-Sues and his fangirlies, too?"

The background fills with cries of, "Oh, boo-hoo, whatever are we to do?"

"Well, I reckon the fangirls have suffered enough,

For watching their God die must have been a torture real tough.

The Mary-Sues, however, aren't going to get off so light.

We'll think up a great plan as we all eat our lunches, alright?"

Off to lunch, soon each departs,

Wicked laughter filling their hearts.

Evil smiles abound as they replay in their minds the death of Leggy the slime

And as they think about the deaths of all Mary-Sues coming up in no time.

A/N:  Thanks, everybody, for reading, and an extra thanks to everyone who reviews! :)  "Die, Legolas, Die!" is Sungirl's quote.  Thank you, Sungirl!  Also, Zep requested to be involved in killing Legolas and so I put her in the rhyme.  I hope that made you very happy, Zep! :)  Now onto my replies to all the other reviewers, whom I love so much! :)  

**Elentari Manwe: **Aawww…really?  I actually thought my rhyming scheme was really bad, so I was really happy when I read your review.  Thank you so much! :)

**Sil-Gathien:**  Aawww…well, thanks for complimenting my rhyme even if you're a Legolas fan.  But really, just cuz you are a fan of his, doesn't mean you gotta hate this.  And, um, I definitely won't be insulting Gimli cuz I think he's really funny and cool.  I'm sorry.  Thanks a lot for the review!  I really appreciate it! :)

**Silver-fanged-dragon:**  Legolas, innocent?  I don't think so!  He is most definitely guilty…of being a stupid moronic slimeball, that is!  BWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!  Many thanks for your review, though! :)

**Not a lego fan:**  I completely agree with you!  Down with all Mary-Sues and rabid fangirlies, too!!!  Hehe :)  Thanks for reviewing and sharing your opinion with me.  Us lego-hype hatahs must stick togethah, man!  Foh-evah! :)

**Dianne:**  Well, if you're allowed to love him, then I should be allowed to hate him, right?  Unless you were just joking in your review…can't really tell.  Hehe :)  Thanks for reviewing, though!  Reviews make me happy! :)

**Morkeleb:**  Oh, I definitely hate how Legolas is portrayed in the movie.  I don't really know how I feel about Orlando Bloom since I've never seen any other movies with him in it.  I just hate how Legolas has to be blonde and how girls drool over him and all that.  Quite annoying, if you ask me.  Hope you're satisfied by my answer.  Thanks for your review. ^_^

**Ayawen Evenstar:**  Many thanks for your review!  I am evil, aren't I?  Hehe :)  Yes, Leggy can still be your precious.  It's just that now he's your **DEAD** precious.  BWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

**Enigma Jade:  **Twisted Dr. Seuss book, eh?  My, what a great idea!  Thanks a bunch, man!  Hehe :)  Well, I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you enjoyed this portion as well! :)  I appreciate your reviews a lot! :)

**Anonymous1:**  Awesome, eh?  Well, mucho thanks for your review!  Yes, I like my fics being called awesome!  And you're awesome for saying so! :)

**Anonymous2:**  You hated it?  Awww…I'm so sad…NOT!!!  Hehe :)  Yes, flames make me happy, although not as happy as non-flames do.  So thanks for the review! :)

**Anonymous3:**  Are you the same as anonymous2?  I'm not sure.  But if you'd like to know my reply, look above.  Also, it's not even a story.  It's a rhyme…okay, well, I guess it could be thought of as a story within a rhyme or something like that, but still…  Hehe :)  Your review is appreciated! :)

**Jcfgjhc:**  I'm sorry, but your comment is really low.  I mean, what does the WTC have to do with anything?!  You're very insensitive.  Nevertheless, I thank you for reviewing! :)

**Sungirl:**  I hope you don't mind me mentioning you in my rhyme.  It's just that it was your quote, so I felt that I needed to credit you.  Thanks a lot for reviewing (and for the quote)! :)

**Zee:**  Other characters, eh?  Hmm…I could, except I don't want to insult any of them.  You don't want me to insult any of them, do you?  Well, I mean, maybe some little teasing, but definitely nothing like this one.  It could be fun, though…I'll think about it.  I'm really glad you love my rhyme!  And thank you so much for reviewing! :)

**Mercuria:**  Hmm…a twisted Dr. Seuss book AND a nursery rhyme from hell?  Yessss, me likes!!!  Hehe :)  Mucho thanks for your review! :)

**Luinil Lightsong:**  Well, of course being a hater is not nice.  I mean, hello…I **am** evil!  It may not be nice, but it is a whole lotta fun!  Hehe :)  Thanks so much for reviewing! :)

**Aragorn Lover:**  Yes, you have e-mailed me, and I shall reply to your e-mail very soon! :)  But unfortunately, this is the last of Legolas you'll see in this rhyme.  Maybe I'll do another fic where he dies, though, eh?  Hehe :)  By the way, I love Aragorn, too!  He's the best! :)  Many thanks for reading and reviewing!  Gotta love the reviewers, right? :)

**Legolas Lover:**  Oh, that was so harsh.  Made me want to cry.  Yeah, right!  It actually made me laugh…a lot!  Yes, me do like flames a lot!  So thanks a lot for reviewing! :) 


	4. No More MarySues

**Disclaimer:**  I do not own Legolas or the Mary-Sues.  Legolas belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, and the Mary-Sues belong to those who are disturbed enough to create them. ^_^

***d****~** is a musical note. :)  

~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ !  ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ 

Sadly, all good things must come to an end,

Including this lovely little poem, my friend.

Not yet, though, cuz we still have one more plan to deploy,

For we still have some Mary-Sue scum to destroy.

**d****~** "Mary-Sue scum…Mary-Sue scum…we still have some Mary-Sue scum to destroy" **d****~**

In chimed the boss, "Although that little chorus I immensely enjoyed,

Must I remind you about this little plan that need be deployed?

And, with the deployment of this plan, we must quickly make haste,

For **we** have not even a **_second_** to waste.

So, come one, come all, and join in the fun…

Join in the fun as we dance under the sun!"

Noticing the strange looks he was getting by the end of his speech,

The boss, suddenly flush with embarrassment, cleared his throat with a screech.

Why a screech, you might suddenly enquire.

Would it suffice to say that it's what I desire?

What I mean to say is what everybody knows,

That I am the author and what I say goes.

The boss lets out another loud screech,

Signaling the end of my interruptions to his speech.

"Just scratch out the last two lines, okay?

I guess I just got carried away.

_'My loyal followers, with me you must come,_

_And join me in destroying some Mary-Sue scum!_'"

His revised speech was met with much applause,

As his cronies were determined to stand by their boss.

"**_Let's go destroy some Mary-Sue scum_**_!_" Krazy Writer, one of his cronies, exclaimed.

"You're not the boss here. **I AM!**" the dark headless boss angrily proclaimed.

"I-I was j-just trying to r-rile them up", fearfully, she stuttered.

"Foolish girl", under his breath, the dark headless boss muttered.

"Alright, just don't let it happen again", he gently admonished.

His soft tone of voice left all of his followers extremely astonished.

"_Well?  What are you guys just standing there for?!_

**_Let's go destroy those Mary-Sue scum we oh-so-abhor!_**"

With a gleeful cry, he led his followers to their destination,

Excitement mounting in anticipation of some Mary-Sue annihilation

Meanwhile, in another part of town, the Mary-Sues were sensing their imminent doom.

The first thought that came up was what should be written on each of their tomb.

One of them suggested for hers, "Here lies the oh-so-perfect Mary-Sue",

And soon a fight broke out, for each of them wanted theirs to say the same thing, too.

This was the situation their soon-to-be assassinators came upon.

Amused beyond belief, every one of them urged the Mary-Sues to carry on.

And so the fighting continued for quite awhile,

Until the boss thought it no longer worthwhile.

"**I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!**" the dark headless boss bellowed.

Immediately, they all froze and the mood quickly mellowed.

Suddenly realizing the dire situation they were in,

All the Mary-Sues began to wail, much to their opponents' chagrin.

A deadly wail it was; a deadly wail it be.

The dark headless boss found it too deadly a wail for he.

Down went the boss, quickly followed by his cronies.

The Mary-Sues ceased their wailing and started celebrating the death of these phonies.

Or at least that's how the Mary-Sues expected it to have gone,

Leaving the rest of us to wonder what drugs they had been on.

Clearly, luck was not to be on their side,

For, as soon as their opponents showed up, from fright they had died.

The boss and his cronies looked upon the scene with delight,

As they took in before them the marvelous sight.

For, you see, right before their untimely demise,

The Mary-Sues shriveled up right before their eyes.

Horridly ugly the Mary-Sues had become,

And this had frightened them so much that to their death they did succumb.

Getting over their shock, the boss and his henchpeople cried out with glee,

And they promptly started celebrating their remarkable victory.

They had fun dancing under the sun all day long,

While they clapped and they sang this jolly good song.

**d****~** "Legolas, you're dead.  Mary-Sues, now y'all are, too.

Why is this so?  Cuz we have killed you!

And to this, we proudly yell, 'Woo-hoo!'

Yes, to this, we scream and shout, 'Woo-hoo!'" **d****~**

So that brings us to the end of this little rhyme,

And I'm very sad to say that there will be no next time.

Yes, I'm so sad to say that there's not gonna be a next time.

~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ !  ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ 

**A/N:**  Hey, everyone!  I hope you enjoyed the very last chapter of this rhyme!  I know I did!!! :)  Also, Krazy Writer, I hope you enjoyed being in my rhyme!  I even gave you two lines! :)   And I'd like to thank everyone who read my rhyme and everyone who reviewed!  All your reviews mean so much to me!!!  ^_^  

**The Legolas Assassinator:**  Do I get to escape from you now since I wrote more?  Hehe ^_^  And I really hope you liked this portion of the rhyme.  Legolas and Mary-Sue bashing in the same rhyme?  Well, I like it!  Tee-hee :P  And I love your Legolas torture website.  And I can't wait for more updates and I wish you get more flames! :)  Thanx so much for all your reviews! :)

**NObOdY:**  Hehe :)  I definitely understand your luv for character death!  Except that, really, I just love Legolas death, and Mary-Sue death, of course!  Tee-hee :)  Thanx for the review, though!  I very much appreciate it! :)

**Lady of the Dark:**  Go ahead and make a website for people who hate Legolas haters.  I ain't stopping you.  Unlike you, I believe in freedom of speech.  But, on a lighter note, thank you for your review! :)

**Aeryn Tucker:**  You really thought it was that hilarious?  Well, spank me silly.  Tee-hee :P  Actually, don't.  But I am very happy to know that I am bleepin' hilarious! :)  Thanks, thanks, and super thanks for your review!!! :)

**Die Bush:**  Yes, I agree.  I hate Bush, too.  What I didn't appreciate was his comment about America going to hell.  I think that was very uncalled for.  But thanx for your review and for telling me your opinion.  I'm really glad you liked my poem! :)

**Lady-of-Lorien:** Exactly!  Legolas is insignificant to the story!  Go you for writing a lego-bashing fic!!! Yes, we lego-haters must stick together!  I don't know how many times I've said that.  Tee-hee :)  Well, thank you so much for your review.  And don't worry about those annoying fangirls who flame you.  You should be proud of yourself for getting them so riled up.  I would!  Tee-hee :)

**Aragorn the hope:  **Can't wait to read your updates and new fics! ^_^  Stupid fanfic.net for kicking you off your account!  

**Avensis:**  Oh, I know what you mean!  I hate those unjustified pathetic flamers, too.  Love the flames, though.  Tee-hee :)  But I understand what you're saying about the variety thing.  But the reason I set up this account was to bash Leggy.  But I do have fics that are not Leggy bashing.  I have an original fic and I have a Pippin fic now, too, except that it has Legolas humiliation, so… but the first chapter is really about Pippin! :)  But I'm really glad you think my poem is well-written and very amusing.  Yes, your review made me very happy! :)

**Yeah:**  Oh, no, you di'n't!  I _know_ you did **_not_**just say that to **_my_** face!  Oh, wait…you didn't.  Tee-hee :P  Just kidding!  I ain't mad.  Really, I'm not! :)  I really enjoyed reading your review.  It gave me a laugh.  I mean, _you_ beat **me** up?  I don't think so!  Tee-hee :)  Thanx for the review! :)

**Zee:**  Yeah, well…that's Legolas for ya. Tee-hee :)  I'm sorry that it wasn't death of fangirls.  I mean, I couldn't kill them since they're real people and all.  But I hope you enjoyed the death of the Mary-Sues! :)  Thanx for all your reviews! :)

**Lady Laura:**  *blush*  Oh, my… you really love my poem that much?  WOW!  I'm just so…so…honored! :)  Thanx SO much for your review!  And I just love lego-bashing, too! :)

**Krazy Writer:**  Yes, I was happy bout Leggy dying, too!  And I hope you're as happy about the Mary-Sue dying as much as I am! :)  And I hope you enjoyed being in the last chapter of my rhyme! :)  I'll definitely watch out for more of your lego/mary-sue bashing fics! :)

**Orlinbloom:**  Hmm…well, actually, I wasn't trashing about you.  I was trashing about Legolas.  Okay, so I was trashing about the movie portrayal of Legolas, but still… :)

**Aragorns_baby:**  Hey!  How am I a rabid fangirl?  I mean, that's really insulting!  Tee-hee :)   And bounce away to ur mama?  Hmm…riiiiggghhhttt…  Well, thanx for your review.  It did make me laugh.  Yes, it made me laugh a lot! :)

**Selendrile:**  Hmm…your poem seems interesting.  I think I will read it!  And thanx for reading and reviewing my rhyme! I really appreciate it! :)

**Lady of the Dark **(your second comment)**:**  I have to say that your comment is really clever.  I mean it!  It was really funny, too, man!  So thanx so much for your review!  It was truly entertaining! :)

**None:**  I wholeheartedly agree with you! :)

**Braindead bunny:**  Sexy?  Really?  Tee-hee :P  But, thanx for your review and defending me!  I'm really glad you loved my rhyme! :)


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